Who says you have to love who loves you?
I've never understood this ideal. It's not the same as love the one you're with. With that you're the one who gets to decide when to move on and who to. But for some reason movies have this stupid reasoning, where a person is bad/selfish/mean or just deliberately obtuse, if they don't love the person who loves them.
Specifically sweet nerdy best friends (snbf), who would do anything for you.
I can even amend this statement by saying that it's not even just movies. Real life somehow has the audacity to dictate that I, Nola Michelle Jyoti Kaija, am somehow obligated to return the feelings of anyone who loves me as long as that person's reasonably nice.
Fuck that. And furthermore, fuck the ideal that I'm a bad person if I don't like them, but prefer to be friends with said person.
I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me ... well I probably could but I don't want to actually think about it because that's just far too annoying. But suffice it to say, I've been there.
One time in particular comes to mind ... always comes to mind actually, because of the insistent way that other people all but demanded I return the feelings of this friend who liked me.
Let me stress that again. He liked me. I on the other hand ... did not return the feelings for various reasons, but at that time, I just didn't feel anything for him. And it frustrated me how I was being viewed as the bad or unfair person because of it.
Take for instance this one time the two of us had gone to hang out with two other friends. We drove to a beach and the other two started making out like there was no tomorrow and were urging me to do the same with my friend. Then they had the gall to get pissed at me for not wanting to do it.
"Why don't you? What's wrong with him? You're just using him."
Fuck you!
Why does a person have to return the feelings of someone just to hang out with them? And more over, why does a female in particular get labeled a whore or a tramp for simply wanting to be friends? When did that become the norm?
Am I supposed to make out with every guy I hang out with who takes me places and buys me gifts, just to make him feel better or somehow justify the money he spends on me?
Now that would make me a whore.
Now that I'm writing this I'm remembering more instances of such. The summer of 1996 I believe. When I spent the summer hanging out with this guy ... let's call him Troy. He had passes to this club and we'd go twice a week and we were just always hanging out and partying together. I knew he liked me, but I'd long established with him that this was not going to be one of those situations and he was fine with it ... or so he said.
God why are men so fricking shitty like that? They say they're okay with being friends but then the minute you start going out with other people suddenly their feelings are being hurt and they're resentful and tossing around accusations. Particularly if they talk to their asshole friends about our friendship and said assholes make them feel like they're not being manly if they're not 'hitting it' while paying for it.
But fortunately for me, I really don't care about bullshit like that. Well not much anyway. I do end up feeling a little guilty, but I sure as hell don't let any guilt force me into being in a relationship with anyone just to appease their fucking delicate sensibilities.
And furthermore let me just say that that's a really fucking shitty thing to do to someone you call a friend. Don't hang out with me, tell me it's cool that we're friends and then when your other moron friends ask you if you're getting any, you let them convince you that I'm the one at fault. That somehow there's something wrong with me and that I'm somehow using you.
And fricking don't get pissed off when I start dating someone that I actually like. I sure as hell wouldn't care who you dated as long as they're good to you, so don't get all pissy with me when I go out with other people.
Jesus what is with that? Why do people always have to ruin the good things they have, for complicated relationships? Why?
Yes I'm well aware that most of you will think that this is more of a male view on dating, but hey ... don't knock it till you've tried it. I'm not big on relationships. I've only had one in my life and I made hella sure that it was as uncomplicated as possible.
I didn't call him, he called me. I didn't visit him. He came to see me. Sex was initiated when I was ready and the rules set down were mine.
Hell yes I date like a guy. You really think that I'm going to let any one dictate the rules of a relationship to me? Au contraire mon frere, the power in the relationship lies in the hands of the person setting the rules. And you can best bet that it's always going to be me.
Oh don't look like that. It's not as bad as it sounds. I don't make any demands ... like I said here ... I've only got one demand in a relationship and that's for our business to remain our business. Don't piss me off by talking about me to your friends. Don't tell them what I'm like in bed ... well if I'm good just say it once and call it a day. But don't go telling anyone what problems we're experiencing.
Now I understand that we all need someone outside the relationship to confide in and use as a sounding board, that's fine. But trust me when I say that it's all over if I walk down the block and overhear a group of anything talking about me and you and something in our relationship.
And I sure as hell don't want to see Jefferson (RIP buddy) come smirking in my face telling me that Chris told him that you said I thought I was pregnant. That shit will make me insane and that's precisely why I dumped you. Got it?
I'm not going to pretend that I don't mention you to my friends. But I'm not going to go to my friends and talk out our business. Well I might, but damn my friends are far more trustworthy than yours.
Ok this is becoming an entirely different rant ... back to the original topic. Don't you invite me to go to the movies and hang out ... especially if you know I was going to go anyway, then get pissed off when I don't choose to be your girlfriend.
And yes if I tell you on Tuesday that I'm not looking for a relationship and that I'd rather just hang out, but on Thursday I meet someone else and we're suddenly engaged ... listen to me very carefully. It's got nothing to do with you. It doesn't mean I was lying. It just means my feelings changed. It happens. Just like it happens that you were my friend one day and the next day you want to get into my pants.
But guys don't get me wrong. I'm well aware that this asinine behavior is not exclusive to men. I've met my share of chicks who are the same way. You start off being friends and suddenly they want more and they're pissed off with you because you don't want to.
And in the case of movies, I'll say this. The good-looking guy or gal with a snbf who is in love with them is not obligated to fall in love with then. They aren't somehow shitty friends because they remain blissfully unaware of nerdy best friend's crush or secret love. And they certainly aren't to blame if snbf's heart gets broken from said secret love when they hook up with an equally good-looking guy or gal who is popular and funny and an extrovert.
If you don't get what I'm trying to say let me clarify.
PEOPLE ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO LOVE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM.
I don't have to love you even if you're the nicest person in the world with the best personality who loves me and would burn/sacrifice/die/kill/do anything for me.
I'd be grateful ... I'd sure as hell appreciate you. But I'm certainly not going to fall in love with you just because of it. And I'm sure as hell not going to apologize for it either.
So just accept that the best you can do in life is to end up in love with someone who actually loves you back ... and if you can't do that, but you can love the one you're with, then good for you. But don't be so selfish as to demand love from someone who doesn't have it to give.
It's not fair to me. I mean us.
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