Shut up Lauren Bacall! And Teri Hatcher you go take a seat in the corner and shut your weeping piehole.
Jesus ... what the hell is the matter with all you two?
Here's a hint Teri, if you've got such delicate feelings that you can't understand why the other pretty girls resent you for hogging all the spotlight, then shut up, sit down and take a page from the book of Friends.
You are not Desperate Housewives. You are merely one of the five actresses on there who make up the show. So it's highly understandable why Marcia Cross ... who is far superior to you when it comes to making a show ... would be pissed off that you were allowing yourself to be made the center of attention when you knew specifically that you weren't supposed to.
Crying into your phone and acting like some wilting lily just annoys the hell out of me, because I can picture it so clearly. We get it. You are Susan ... Susan is you. You're both klutzy, cute and just begging to be loved. Don't make me puke.
And for that matter, here's an idea for you magazine editors and all interested parties. Susan AKA Teri Hatcher, is not the reason I watch Desperate Housewives ... she's the reason I come very close to tuning out. Because Susan is annoying and not a little bit selfish ... and it's not her that's of any interest to me ... but what goes on around her that is.
So kindly focus your attentions then on Marcia Cross, AKA the most excellent Bree. Now there's a character that you watch for. It takes a hell of a lot more talent to play a character like Bree, than it does to play yourself Teri Hatcher.
And then there's Gabrielle, so devious, so selfish ... I love her to pieces, because she makes being selfish a delight. She makes the drama and revels in it. She doesn't act like she doesn't know why her life's so tumultuous. And of course Edie ... so gorgeous and slutty ... and above all, the one that I actually root for when it comes to her squabbles with Susan. Because Edie is far more likable. She's honest and doesn't think herself morally superior like Susan does. As Edie said to Susan in last Sunday's episode, 'I'm trying, but you make it very hard to like you Susan.' Well said. Fortunately for me I don't even bother trying.
I haven't forgotten Felicity Hoffman's portrayal of Lynette. I like Lynette ... I do. But let's face is ... the character's not really attention grabbing like the others. Or even center of attention hogging like Susan.
So there you have it. My Desperate Housewives preferences from top to bottom. Bree #1, Gabrielle, Edie, Lynette and then far down the list under her own daughter Julie, is Susan.
So kindly correct your focus media houses, and instead of continually trying to shove it down my throat about Teri's amazing comeback ... try actually focusing on one of the actresses that I care about.
I mean damn Marcia Cross was Kimberly on Melrose Place for god's sakes. That she's back on television playing an even more awesome character after all this time should make her the comeback just as noteworthy. (Her guest role on Everwood not withstanding.)
And certainly if we're talking comebacks, then Nicolette Sheridan's comeback to television series, after her most excellent Knots Landing went off television so many years ago, before Lois and Clarke even entered the picture, should have placed her as the shoe-in for the comeback kid.
Let's face it. The only reason Teri's getting all the glory on this is because of her character, not herself. Susan is unfortunately the 'tie that binds' on this show so she gets to be front and center in every episode ... even though I'm far more interested in every other character but her.
She left the set in tears my ass ... shut up Teri Hatcher, before I forget that I used to adore you as Lois on Lois and Clarke. Well then again there you have it, the show's about Superman and you get first billing ... jesus.
And now for you Ms Lauren Bacall AKA Betty Joan Perske. Just who the fuck do you think you are slamming tv actresses? You think you're so special? Guess again sweetheart. The only reason you're even as memorable as you are isn't because of your amazing talent ... it's about who your screen partner was. Humphrey Bogart. He made you who you are. He made you popular. You certainly didn't get there on your own abilities so shut the hell you, dissing today's actresses and talking about how they couldn't act against the greats of your day.
And let me tell you something about television actresses. They have just as much talent as you do if not more. You think you're too good for tv? Too good for tv, but good enough for a little radio serial 'Bold Venture?' Isn't that beneath you too? Oh I'm sorry, because you were acting opposite your husband Humphrey in it, that raises it above television work?
And let's not talk about your tv movies ... because somehow you seem to be forgetting the word TV is an integral part of that.
But you want to talk talent? Bebe Neuwirth. Now there's one of today's actresses. Movies, television, the stage. She's renowned for her talent, but she doesn't think herself above television. And I would declare any day that she's a much better actress than you are. That's right Lauren, Bebe could act rings around you. So take your chair to the back of the class because you've been demoted to just another actress of Hollywood's golden era.
And since I'm bitching about drama queens ... or as Susan said so aptly on Sunday's episode ... on people like herself who like to 'bring the drama' ... Hello Elton John, the ultimate queen of drama, running around insulting Madonna and complaining about singers these days who don't do live shows. Isn't your ass constantly glued to a piano seat when you're performing your concerts? Well there you have it. Madonna and many singers like her these days don't do this. It's hard as hell to spend two hours dancing and giving your audience what they came there for without ending up out of breath.
So get off her back. Her audience isn't complaining. Stop being a bitch.
And now to the original masturbating bear, George Michael himself. Who claims he's dropping out of the music business because he refuses to compete with American Idol winners.
Don't make me puke. Let's face it George, you weren't that good when you were on top ... so let's not start pretending that you're Phil Collins or something alright? You just can't hack it. Don't blame the music business and don't act like you're too good for it. Your music isn't as fantastic as you'd like to believe. You were in Wham! for god's sakes.
So in conclusion ... Dear Ms Bacall, why don't you take Elton and George and the three of you drama queens can go off alone together and bitch about how everyone else is beneath you and try to convince yourselves that you're all still the center of attention and that you still matter in the grand scheme of things.
And Teri you can try being a little more understanding of your fellow cast mates ... you know ... the ones who actually carry the show with the actually interesting storylines. Understand how shitty they feel being left out and pushed aside as if your work is somehow so much better. Trust me ... it's not.
| |
