I never had any great desire to be popular, but I suppose I was. I was voted 'funniest girl' in my senior yearbook. Well, either funniest or weirdest ... can't remember never got one of the books just saw someone else's. My friend Sharon was upset ... she thought she would be 'funniest girl' ... I didn't know the title was in such great demand. I certainly didn't campaign for it.
But my 'title' wasn't earned because I tried to fit in ... well I suppose at that time I still had some need to fit in and maybe I did for a while ... but even back then, I wanted to be me so badly that fitting in was just a part of it. I fit in with the crowd but I was also determined to stand out.
For god's sakes I spoke with a British accent. I wore the sash from the skirt of my uniform as a tie and stuffed the real tie in my pocket. My hair ... always wild as can be. And of course ... that one defining aspect of individualism that is well understood beyond any border ... my sunglasses. Oh yes I wore sunglasses everywhere. At school, at home, inside.
I was a regular Ringo Starr ... too cool to be for real. lol And I certainly wasn't. Real that is ... it was all for effect. Because I'm still trying to find the real me ... so clearly back then my aura of realism was anything but that. But I was cool. lol How could I not be? And clearly very modest.
But the important point being made here, was that I didn't associate my identity ... or being popular ... with being like every one else. What set me apart and what set my friends apart from the rest of the crowd was that we all were so different and most of us weren't afraid to show it. In fact we reveled in it. We all loved being different so much that we just played up this aspect of our personalities even more. Sharon was the tough girl. Ready to fight at the drop of a hat ... so therefore she was always fighting.
I was the weird one. Accents, weird dress, and generally being the one in class who would say outrageous things, sometimes for laughs, sometimes because some teachers can be so absurdly stupid that you can't help but want to show them up. But that was just me.
I tried not to put much stock in public opinion and for the most part I succeeded but there were times ... I was a teenager ... when I gave in to the lure of being liked. Most of the time I didn't care ... I was just interested in my friends. But there were definitely those times when I didn't want to stand out, when I just wanted to be one of the crowd, but that was more because of personal issues at the time rather than some ingrained need to be a part of it.
Being one of the crowd is only amusing for a while. When you want to get lost. But when you want to stand out ... when you decide to be yourself ... it can become cumbersome and suffocating.
Which is how popularity is. It's a suffocating shroud that once you put it on, you have to keep it on if that's the life you chose. Becoming popular is easy. Staying there is a burden that ends up becoming a job to always stay on top, to always have to maintain your individuality. To keep what's special about you special. Because like I said, there will be many people out there trying to imitate you, trying to get what you have, what makes you special, trying to emulate you ... and once they do that, you become less necessary ... and it's more of a fight to retain your place because here's someone that can replace you. Someone who might not have your uglier characteristics ... who might have more to offer as the new you.
So in the end, you're left right where you started. An individual striving to be popular by being like everyone only to have to depend on your individuality to help you do it.
Previous--Obsessions
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