So there we were. Me, Uncle Jim and Joe Bob, standing behind the counter while the twin masterminds got their goods. And I'm wondering the whole time how fucking long is this all going to take because there's late and then there's really late. And as much as I bitch to my friends, I like my job.
My job related thoughts were then interrupted by the thing that almost pushed me over the edge. The money has been got, the hostages have been subdued, the game had been won. Or had it? Apparently not, because Greedy McGreedySon pipes up. "Gimmie the Newports!"
This ladies and gentlemen is where I took grave offense. I can handle being held hostage while money is stolen. Hell I could even have taken it if they'd beaten someone. But to put my life on the line ... threaten me for fucking Newports? The cheapest, tackiest, worst tasting cigarettes in the world? Oh hell no.
Fortunately for those two punk ass bitches they managed to run out before I could get from behind the counter, or they would have received the ass kicking of their lives. At least that's what the image in my mind tells me would have happened if I were an idiot.
Sadly I'm not, and what happened instead is those two assholes, who put my life on the line for fucking Newports, ran off after they got what they wanted, money and fucking Newports.
Then to top off the ridiculousness that this morning had been, the owner hands me the phone and tells me to call the police. So I hit 911 and left. Yes I know I left the scene of a crime, but you know what? I really wasn't thinking about that. I just wanted to get the hell out of that place. Of course I waited for my sandwich first, but whatever. I HAD A GUN IN MY FACE!
So there you have it. My harrowing ordeal. I know ... shocking right? Horrifying? Eh ... It was surreal. That's how the entire thing felt, simply surreal. I simply couldn't believe it was happening. It just did not feel real. At times it was slow, other times normal paced. But as a whole, just bizarre.
I had many thoughts during that time, but surprisingly dying was a fleeting one. It came and went and then I was calm. I kept thinking to myself, you've got to be fucking kidding me. This is just nuts. This simply cannot be happening.
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