"Regrets ... I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention ..."
Lucky you Frank. I've more than enough to mention. Seriously I'm obsessed with self doubt and regrets. And I'm always, always in need of validation. Okay not often, but damn it ________ would it hurt you to just every once in a while tell me good job, good going? Good lord what's it gonna take to prove myself?
I mean I got a damn raise from my six month old job and I barely do anything there. Hell half the time I'm just chatting on IM's and the other half I'm bored out of my mind doing my 'work.' A little validation that I'm not completely useless isn't that needy, is it?
But this isn't about validation ... this is about regrets and what it all leads to. Like I said I've got more than my fair share of regrets and I'm not happy about it. I made a decision seven years ago and seriously it's been kicking my ass ever since. Because nothing seems to be going right in my life ... well it's finally beginning to pick up ... but come on. Seven years is a long time to be stuck in limbo ... going through the motions, acting like you're living, but really just existing. Watching life pass you by rather than actively participating in it.
You get my point right?
That was me for the past seven years, just living with the regret of the choice I made. And now that I'm actually attempting to do something about it ... to move past it, suddenly I'm plagued with self doubt that I lost my opportunity to do anything with my life, because I fucked it up so bad in the first place.
I'm worried that I'll fail, I'm worried that I'll end up having to turn right around and come back to my rut. I'm worried that I'll make an even bigger mistake, because let's face it. Once your judgement proves to be so flawed that it fucks up your life for seven years, having a little doubt in any more decisions you may make in the future is just plain smart.
Where does this all stem from? Well I'm thinking about making some changes in my life. Life altering changes and I'm terrified that they'll just blow up in my face again. And the fact is, these new changes could be potentially more devastating to me than the seven year rut one. Which is just ... damn! Consider how harrowing that could make my life?
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