I'm obsessed with love ...
But please let me clarify before you mistake those words for an indication that I'm in anyway a loving, sweet person. Because I'm not. I've got too much anger, resentment and mistrust eating away inside me for love to flourish here. So ... now that we've cleared that up, let me explain those four words above.
Love intrigues me. The entire concept of it ... the symbols used to portray it, the sentiment attached to it. The idea that humans can experience it ... mind boggling for me. Not because I think it's so amazing or wonderful or unbelievable that it exists ... but because I don't believe that there's a human being out there that truly experiences it. That knows what true love is.
I see it all the time, all over the place ... in theory. Movies, songs, books, television, dreams ... Everywhere I look there's love being had and experienced by someone ... always in fantasy.
It's simply unfathomable to me that people ... regular human beings, could experience something so pure as genuine devotion and caring for someone other than themselves. Maybe it's me the cynic, the hater ... but seriously. How many people out there do you actually believe experiences love like it is in the movies, in music or in books? And yes I know that real life is different, but come on, that concept had to come from somewhere didn't it? The idea of love being so pure and fantastic ... where's it from? Who started it? Is this going to become a religious issue, forcing me to abstain even further from experiencing this wonderment.
When I look at my friends and family I just can't see it. Yeah sure they care about their spouses and significant others ... but other than that is there really more? They all seem to have gotten together because they found each other compatible ... not because they were so overwhelmed with emotion that they couldn't live without each other.
But perhaps I'm merely a product of my upbringing. Raised by the evil one, spawned by a cold distant mother and an unemotional, only nice when he's drunk father ... I simply have no concept of love ... no idea what it is and the idea of experiencing it ... terrifies me. Which I guess explains why I'm such an asshole in relationships.
I've seen friends and family, marry and divorce and as I'm watching their lives unfold I'm wondering, is love even a part of the scenario? Do real people experience love? Is there anyone out there who's literally been swept off their feet by someone else? When I look at the marriages around me, I see sex and a weird strained "okay we're a couple so we'll get married cause we like each other." But I never see love.
There's never any overwhelming emotion, no such devotion to each other that it boggles my mind or blesses my heart to see it. Almost every couple I know acts like they hate each other but that's their 'happy' appearance.
I'm looking for that swept off the feet couple. Where the guy's ready to lay down his life for the gal or vice versa. Because I just don't see it in real life. The only love I see that even rivals the 'dream ideal' is that of parent to child. And that's a bond that's inexplicable in itself, because we know that bond doesn't always extend to every child ... and it certainly never touched my family.
In my family love isn't uttered ... sure the new generation is trying to change ... but when I was growing up you told someone you loved them and you got a weird look and were left with an awkward silence.
Ah I'm making my life seem more pathetic than it was ... no, no, wait that's about right ... or maybe I'm making it out to be better than it was.
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