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Archives from ...
The World According to 
Email G @ G@Barrenwasteland.us
April 9-15th
Proof of his evil intentions:
Jyoti: "So how was your day?"
Jyoti: "Sorry got booted ... How was your day?"
G: "Nothing. I didn't say anything incriminating when you were booted. Hey how about the weather today?"
On the different types of banks:
Jyoti: "I've got to go to sleep. I've got to go take a drug test today for some crappy job I'm sure to hate. I'll tell you about it of course."
G: "What job is it? Sperm bank?"
Jyoti: "Yeah I donate regularly. No it's data entry for some bank."
G: "Wasn't too far off."
On our mutual dislike of little kids:
G: "How's your day been?"
Jyoti: "Long. Spent it writing another article for the website, then fixing a few kinks on the site, then yelling at my cousin's son."
G: "I like where this is going. Why were you yelling at this little Lilli-putian."
Jyoti: "Cause he messed around with his mother's stuff and pulled out a bottle of capsules and just opened a bunch of 'em and emptied them out. Then he decided to clean the tv and scrubbed it with some abrasive shit and now the whole front of the thing's scratched."
G: "The little..."
Jyoti: "Then he decides to freshen up the carpet by dumping a bunch of carpet freshner behind the tv. Your eyes water just walking in the room."
G: "Jesus, Mary and Joseph. How is that kid still live?"
Jyoti: "I know. When his mother came home I had him explain what he did. At first she was just pissed, but that was before she found out about the pills and the carpet freshner. It's like fricking Christmas up there. White powder all around. So after she saw the carpet mess and the pills she went and whacked his butt a couple times. I was pleased to hear crying cause he was being a little shit all day."
G: "Ah yes, I love that sound when my little shit nephew gets the 1 2 from his mum. I never thought the sound of screaming would be so soothing."
Mar 26 - April 1st
On my possible peeve on the Olsen twins:
G: "You should mention something about how the release of yet another Olsen movie is tied to the increase of supply and demand for anti-depressants and it's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon. You get an increase in anti-depressant use, suicides go up, gun crimes go up, terrorist declare fatwa on America and drive planes into buildings for giving rise to the Olsen twins. It makes sense."
Jyoti: "Dear Mr FBI person. The views expressed by "G" are in no way affiliated with Jyoti Kaija.
G: "Dear Mr FBI man, we all know who's the brains of this operation."
On being the perfect father:
Jyoti: "I just watched Alias and it literally kicked my ass. Jack Bristow ... damn I want him to be my daddy. AND because of a stupid presidential address on Tuesday, 24 was preempted until tonight so the two best shows on tv were up against each other. Jack Bauer .. well he doesn't have to be my daddy, but I want him to spank me. I love those two men. They kill and don't apologize. Perfect Daddy material. Oh and hi."
G: "I can only hope to be half the sadistic daddy they are when I finally spawn."
On the naivety of him and his sperm:
Jyoti: "They probably still think Santa exists too."
G: "What do you mean *still* exist?"
Mar 18-25th
On benefiting mankind ... or himself:
Jyoti: "I got a job. What have you been doing? aka what's with the [new screen name] bling bling?"
G aka Bling Bling!: I've been seduced by the power of the bling bling, and now I'm thinking of joining a colleague in her startup pharmacautical company as her head of research.
Jyoti: Bling is good.
G: I was going to be noble and devote myself to finding the cure to cancer.
Jyoti: Silly you.
G: But now I'm thinking how much bling bling can I get form the cure for cancer.
On the necessity of complaining:
G: "What do you do at the bank?"
Jyoti: "Cheesy data entry."
G: "At least you wouldn't have moronic people to deal with. Just anal retentive ones. But I guess it's still something to bitch about."
On ... um...:
G: "How's the writing coming along?"
Jyoti: "It's coming."
G: "Ah ... flash back to this morning."
Mar 5-11th
On my pain:
G: "LoL @ your new article. Your pain is so funny."
Jyoti: "Thank you so much."
On placing blame:
Jyoti: "This computer is cursed."
G: "Sure blame the computer, it can't help not being drool proof."
More on how Thornbirds and Mistrials Daughter warped my childhood:
Jyoti: "See how those stupid miniseries can ruin your life?"
G: "That's the price of being addicted to TV."
Jyoti: "I know and I was really young too. Probably like 10 or something."
G: "Yep, TV and parents seem to work in collusion in deforming our future. I'd hate to think what Bush was brought up on."
Jyoti: "Plus he's from Texas. There's no telling what the hell went wrong with his upbringing."
G: "*Note to Mr. NSA and CIA* I know you're laughing at that too, admit it."
Feb 26-Mar 4th
On his future after people read his theory on Adam & Eve:
G: "People world wide are going to burn me in effigy. Always wanted to be famous."
On my using God references in articles:
G: "'God bless you?' I'm surprised an almighty lighting bolt didn't thunder down from the heavens to "bless you"."
More porn talk:
Jyoti: "I'm not going to be paying any monthly fee to watch anyone has sex. I'd rather pay a set fee for about $10 and watch it however long and often as I want."
G: "There's a lot of free stuff as well so I hear."
Jyoti: "Sure. You're probably a gold member."
G: "Platinum actually, but that's another story.
Apr 24-30th
We miss you too Mina!:
Mina: Oh my god this sucks. I'm so going to go from extremely happy to seriously depressed and I'll have 2 hours of keeping myself from driving into a ditch to worry about before the day is over with."
Jyoti: "Why?"
Mina: "Because I'm online with you and the essence of G and who knows when I will be in the presence of such hilarious intelligence again and when I leave here, I leave to go back to my existence which includes living alone and working in hell with evil dull witted people."
On Mina's page:
G: "Her page is very spacious and utilizes the natural lighting of the site to give a grand sense of awe. I like the minimalist approach."
On how awesome we are:
G: "I think that's where our insanely twisted genius comes from, being able to laugh at the holiest of holies (me and you) That nothing is sacred."
Apr 10-16th
On Gambling:
G: "Sorry about that. Had to quickly run down stairs to watch a fight."
Jyoti: "Who won?"
G: "Unadulterated betting won and so did I! I won 5 bucks."
After he said something so outrageous that I even made the sign of the cross:
Jyoti: "How aren't you smote yet? God's really lapsing."
G: "There's no point in smiting for every little crime against Adinai Thy God Incorporated. It's best to count them up into one big pile and then smite cumulatively. It's more efficient, even God has become more modern in business practices."
Jyoti: "Well then you're in for a huge smote ass one of these days. I'll see your ass smoking from here."
G: "I just hope it doesn't take out the rest of the country."
Jyoti: "It probably will. Like that mushroom cloud with the A bomb."
On tests:
Jyoti: "How was your last exam yesterday?"
G: "It was the best times, it was the worst of times."
Apr 3rd-9th
More on my hunt for porn:
G: "Why on earth were you going out to buy porn? There's perfectly free girl on girl, boy on girl, boy on boy, boy and or girl with farm animal, action at the tip of your fingers. That's what the Internet was invented for."
Jyoti: "Yeah but you have to pay for it buddy."
G: "The instantaneous transmission of porn to all reaches of the world. Ah what wonders mankind has created."
On HIM correcting MY grammar:
Jyoti: "Boobing for apples."
G: "Bobbing for apples. Ok, I need to take a break from studying. I just corrected your grammar."
Jyoti: "Oh my god. The world is about to end. You are trying to usurp me. What did you put in my drink?"
G: "You don't want to know. I mean ... Nothing."
More on his laughing about my misadventures through life::
G: "LoL @ the old man hitting on you part. You should have joined the work force earlier. This is some of your best work."
Mar 20-26th
More on Porn:
G: "So what kind of porn were you looking for? Boy on boy? Girl on girl?"
Jyoti: "Any. I'm not picky when it comes to porn."
G: "Rabbi on priest."
Jyoti: "Ew. No way."
On the life ruining miniseries:
Jyoti: "The Thornbirds freaked me out beyond measure I'm serious. I could never accept Richard Chamberlain in anything else. He has always remained that priest who went out with the girl who he HELPED raise. Creepy, creepy. Then I remember watching Mistral's Daughter soon after that and let me tell you, I think they're both part of the reason I'm so royally fucked up. Mistral had an affair with this chick, but didn't marry her, then years later he had an affair with this other chick, turns out she's the woman's daughter ... aka HIS daughter."
G: "Ok. The ick meter pointer just broke and flew across the room breaking my window killing a bird!"
How to tell G's drunk:
Jyoti: "Did you get what I said about the Christians?"
G: "Yes. Jeez I'm insane, not inebriated."
Jyoti: "I meant did it go through. Because I didn't get a reply, then suddenly I got booted. I don't doubt your intelligence ... much."
G: "Oh, then perhaps I am slightly inebriated."
Mar 13-19th
A typical G greeting online:
G: "A woman once said men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love him. You need a diamond to marry him. A club to smash his fucking in! And a spade to bury the bastard. Oh and hi!"
Another unique name choice by G on MSN Messenge:
El Presidente de el la ciencia estudiante"stop splitting hairs, split atoms instead!
On our aim to dominate the world:
Jyoti: "God I'm bored. Smite me now."
G: "*GOD* why does everyone want things now, NO you can wait till next week!"
Jyoti: "You're going to get smited if you don't stop testing God. Btw I figured out that I'm not Atheist. I'm Agnostic."
G: "Egnostic? What the hell is that? People that believe in the divine eggnog?"
Jyoti: "Ass. The divine eggnog. We should so start that church. Church of the Divine Eggnog. Here to answer that eternal question. Which comes first ... the chicken or the egg?"
G: "The eggnog."
Mar 6-12th
A typical day in the life of Jyoti and G:
G: "Hey."
Jyoti: "Bonjour."
G: "How was your day?"
Jyoti: "Long. Went and peed in a cup today."
G: "Must have brought back memories."
Jyoti: "Best days of my life. What about you? What evil did you get up to today?"
G: "I didn't get up anyone's evil thank you. No one I wasn't supposed to anyway."
Jyoti: "Nasty."
On my fingerprints:
G: "Did you get the job? Or did you have to give a job?"
Jyoti: "Have to go get fingerprinted tomorrow then I'll know."
G: "A fingerprint. Well there goes your eligibility out the door. I think prints that come out as pentagons and triplets of 6 are general warning signs."
Jyoti: "Well at least they're unique."
On his future with Evil Inc:
Jyoti: "Well you better put them to good use. Or I'll be looking for a new apprentice. I certainly can't have a loser taking over my evil ways when I retire."
G: "Who said you were gonna make it to retirement."
Jan 30-Feb 5th
On digressing:
G: "Anywho I digress. -- Is that possible to digress without having anything to initial digress from?"
On my old job at the bank:
G: "Is it everyday?"
Jyoti: "Wednesdays to Sundays. 8am."
G: "Omg, how do you cope around people for so long."
Jyoti: "I know. And so fricking early in the morning."
G: "My god, hide the women and children. It walks in the light."
On his good behavior:
Jyoti: "You're reformed."
G: "More like evolved. I've never been this good."
Jyoti: "Aw you're sweet."
G: "Shush. I'm still getting used to the idea and hearing you say I'm sweet makes me nauseous."
Nov 14-20th
On tempting fate:
Jyoti: "I'm completely shocked. I was sure God was just waiting to spite your ass for that Adam and Eve bit."
G: "I believe they use the term smite. Smite thy ass."
Jyoti: "That's right. Smite your ass."
G: "I wonder what it would take to get God to smite me right this instant?"
On our mutual obsession with TV:
Jyoti: "Just tell me you watched The OC. If not just shoot me right now."
G: "What caliber hole in the head would you like? Might I suggest the Magnum 266?"
One of the many inventive names that G comes up with for himself on MSN messenger:
u know your getting old when you wake up one day and find your name ends in "saurus"
September 19-25th
Proof that he's fully utilized all the money spent on his education:
G: "Rambuctious."
Jyoti: "Nomenclature."
G: "Hey that's one of my words."
Jyoti: "Really."
G: "Yeah. It's the scientific word for scientific word. Rather then saying do-hicky connected to that wing wang, the nomenclature is the humerus that is conected to the ulnar."
Jyoti: "Ok."
On a typical day for him:
Jyoti: "So what have you been doing in your first week of nothingness?"
G: "Not exactly nothing. I've been studying hard, except when I'm on coffee breaks and making an ass out of myself."
Jyoti: Well there's always time for that."
G: "I must have a big red target on my ass for ass moments. They keep happening to me."
Jyoti: "Well it's your specialty."
On my hunt for porn (for educational purposes of course):
Jyoti: "I went out today looking for porn. Unfortunately I didn't find any that was to my liking so I just went to Barnes and Noble and bought a book."
G: "Oh yes, the saviour of all intrepid explorers of the great pornscape of New York. When in despair of good porn. Barnes and Noble."
July 18-24th
On me stealing his thoughts because he's to lazy to use them himself:
G: "I love it, I couldn't have done a better job. I think it's better because your lampooning me."
Jyoti: "And stealing your thoughts."
G: "Not stealing. You know me. I don't have much use for thinking, so you can have them."
More on his near death experience:
G: "I can tell you this now. No man that steps into the path of two oncoming vehicles is a coward. A fool maybe, but no coward none the less."
On his going to hell because of his theory on Adam and Eve:
G: "Is there anything you want me to pass on to your nana when I see her in hell? lol"
Jyoti: "Tell her 'I win'."
June 6-12th
G's full musings on Adam and Eve:
G: "I just thought of a bullshit back up story for the Adam and Eve metaphor I came up with. It's stupid, so your gonna hear about it. About the reason the apple was a metaphor for a blow job."
Jyoti: "Ok let's hear it."
G: Well God made Adam and he made him perfect and therefore made him smart. God then made Eve and made her dumb, so that she would love Adam. God then said 'Do not eat of the tree of knowledge (the penis of Adam - Adam being the smartest thing in existence)"
Jyoti: "lol You have serious issues."
G: "So therefore when Eve partakes of the of the tree when Adam is asleep, she now gains knowledge as Adam's penis is the smartest thing she ever ate lol"
Jyoti: "lol You're twisted."
G: Now, Eve having tasted the glorious fruits of the tree, lusted for more, so when Adam awoke she offered him a blow job (commonly known as the apple) Adam resisted - God bless him. But the tree having being tasted and having an intelligence of its own, over powers Adam and thus Adam is implicated in the eating of the forbidden fruit and thus God spoke, that for all eternity man will be bound to the will of his tree for all the days he walks the earth."
Jyoti: Because he had a weakness for blowjobs. Right. Poor Adam, brought low by his penis."
G: "See how it all makes sense lol."
Jyoti: "Perfect. Men can't think when all the blood leaves their heads and goes to their penis."
May 23-29th
On my need to make the site look professional:
G: "Yes, we want people to take your plethora of reasons for hating the world seriously."
On Touched By An Angel:
G: "You just reminded me of that lame program, Touched by an Angel."
Jyoti: "I hated that show."
G: "But we all know in modern times what really happens is touched by a priest."
On his near death experience:
G: "Its funny seeing your life flash before your eyes twice in one day. It's like a marathon of re-runs from funniest home videos."
April 11-17th
On me stealing his thoughts:
G: "Your lucky I don't charge by the syllable, you'd be in debt by hundreds of cents."
Jyoti: "Not with your horrible spelling. I should charge you for having to transcribe it."
On the difference between him and Mina:
G: "Looks like we got ourselves a little rumble match. On the left corner we have G dressed in devilish red with a pitch fork and horns to match. On the right shoulder we have Mina, complete with sissy white rob and halo."
On being in trouble:
G: "I usually don't get myself into this much trouble without some out clause."
April 4-10th
On saying things on command:
Jyoti: "Say more weird interesting things that I can steal."
G: "I feel like someone's watching me pee, I can't say things on command like that."
On his rights as a pedestrian:
G: "I was nearly hit by a truck and then a car. Stupid bastards should know I never pay attention when crossing the road."
On the best way to stalk someone:
Jyoti: "You're one pair of binoculars away from hiding in the bushes."
G: "No way. Bugs and shit get into your pants and shoes. Standing behind a tree works best for me."
March 28 - April 2nd
On the Macarena and Alcohol:
G: "Good to shake your butt too."
Jyoti: "Especially when drunk."
G: "hmmmm, alcohol should have a warning on it. Like do not attempt to drive, operate heavy machinery, or macarena after consumption."
On why spoiling himself on the The O.C. is symbolically similar to Eve's temptation of Adam:
Jyoti: "I thought you said The O.C. was a non spoiler show."
G: "I'm sorry, but when it's this good, it's like when Eve offered Adam the apple (which we all know was a metaphor for blow job ... I mean what man would give up paradise for a real apple) ... the temptation was too great."
On KY Jelly:
G: That needs a warning label too. "Speeding causes accidents."
March 22-27th
On Jyoti finding a job:
G: "What kind of job are you looking for?"
Jyoti: "One that pays a lot of money."
G: "I don't think 'badass mother beeatch' is advertised nowadays."
On The Passion Of the Christ:
G: "Man that movie reduced me to tears, I left that movie freaked out and in shock. You have to see it. Don't worry it doesn't harp on like most Christian movies."
Jyoti: "Did you find God?"
G: "Of course not. He's far too good at hide and seek."
On doing his bio for this site:
G: "If your evil grandmother doesn't have to write hers, then I don't have to either."
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